"Hello"...again

I’m  kind of embarrassed to say “hello” and “let’s try this again” to writing here on my blog; I think because I’m afraid of my own imperfections in life and that I might, once again, find myself hiding from this space of the universe. I’m afraid of failing again because of my ability, or lack of ability, to cope with life in the way I feel that I want to or that I feel I should, and knowing that that failure will be public.

BUT, one of the things I want to be known for and remember for the most is persistence. I don’t care about being “amazing” (whatever that’s supposed to be anyways), I care about getting up more times than I have fallen. I care about never giving up.

I am learning to embrace the resistance and struggle that naturally ebbs and flows throughout our daily lives, throughout my daily life. I’m learning that the struggle isn’t bad or good. It simply is. It exists no matter how hard we try to avoid it or escape it; no matter how carefully we plan or how cautiously we make decisions about our life and the future. What matters, and what makes the struggle good or bad, is what we do with the struggle, what we believe about it, and, I think even more importantly, what we believe about ourselves as we let it pass through us.

I used to think that life was a test, and being the perfectionist that I am, I wanted to pass every test of life with flying colors and respond to every challenge with perfect resilience, perfect faith, perfect optimism and hope, and a perfect attitude. I mistakenly believed that in doing so, I would become a better person, a shining example to others, and be on the receiving end of perceived blessings from above.

I was wrong.

What I’ve learned is that struggling doesn’t affect my character, it doesn’t make me any less of a person than I was before, it doesn’t make me a failure. It makes me human. I’ve learned that not always having perfect faith or a perfect attitude, or even perfect resilience isn’t wrong or something to be ashamed of. It’s part of the journey in discovering who we are and what we are capable of; it’s part of the journey in discovering who God is and what he is capable of doing in our lives. There is no pass and fail because how I am handling the struggle, how I am handling grief and loss and heartache and disappointment is constantly changing and will be for the rest of my life.

We have something called grief gifts at our house....it’s kind of a joke between my husband and I, but it’s where you buy something for yourself after someone you love has died. Usually that “something” tends to be expensive and not financially prudent. In our case, we bought a boat after my husband’s sister unexpectedly passed away in January. It had always been a dream of his to one day buy a boat, a dream he had talked of frequently with her.

  

I’ll never forget the first time we took it out on the lake. It was February. We didn’t wake-board or tube, we just took a picnic lunch, found a quiet cove, and basked in the silent sunshine of nature. In time, as the weather warmed up, we began to embrace boating activities that required getting wet. We often took my nieces and nephew with us. It was our way of helping their family out.

Being with them, being together as a family, was like therapy for my soul, and laughing together as we got bounced over the waves in our inner tube was like medicine for it. I hadn’t laughed that hard in years. And then it came time for the wake board, a sport I had not attempted in nearly thirteen years, before having children.

And I got up! I didn’t stay up for very long, but I got up, and when I fell, I got up again, and again, and again. My inner driving force was the connection I felt to my own personal life, and the need I felt to get up from life’s challenges again, and again, and again. It was an instant way of gratifying the need for personal triumph and perseverance. I needed to feel that I could be victorious. I needed to give myself hope that I would eventually succeed.

With each trip to the lake I embraced the struggle, the potential possibility of getting water up my nose, the sore muscles that followed the next morning, and the fear I felt inside from pushing myself outside of my current comfort zone as I developed new skills to help me more fully enjoy my time on the water. I loved the feeling of getting back up after a fall and I loved seeing my ability to handle the waves, the turns, and the jumps increase with each trip to the lake. My success wasn't measured by how good I was compared to someone else; my success was simply measured by where I was and how far I had come.

You see, the interesting thing I've discovered about success is that it really isn't a destination (to be honest I'm starting to wonder what in life is a destination). Success is a journey, and in my story, my successes aren't that I've finally arrived at having perfect resilience, perfect faith, perfect optimism and hope, and a perfect attitude, but rather that I have become better at these things than I was before. I have grown, I have increased, and in so doing, I have increased in my ability to face the struggle with a perspective and with the tools necessary to fuel growth, learning, and many more triumphs along the way.

Notice above that I said that I loved seeing my ability to handle the waves, the turns, and the jumps increase with each trip to the lake, not with each attempt while at the lake. Why? Because there was some backpedaling that occurred during some of our trips. I did not always improve or master new skills on a given day. One time, after a really bad face-plant, I had to call it quits for the rest of our time at the lake because it hurt so bad, it scared me, and I had a headache. 

Likewise, I have done some backpedaling in my personal growth.  I've gotten up many, many times only to retract, rather than expand in the way I cope, in my attitude, and especially in my faith. 

And I'm ok with that. And I'm ok sharing that. We always talk about becoming better and growing as a person, but I don't think we emphasis enough that along with that you may regress a bit. You may be angry at God or at life or at the people in your life who are trying to help and show you kindness. You may be frustrated with yourself or your circumstances. You may feel like to can't do it, like you can't handle it, and you may question if you even want to.

The key here is getting up more times than you fall. The key is never giving up, even if you give up temporarily (which I've done more than once), even if you lose heart or, dare I say it, even if you lose faith. Time is your friend and so is the willingness to try again. In fact, I believe these two things may be among the greatest secrets of success. If you get up enough times, no matter how long it takes, you will succeed. And if you give Him the chance, God, in time, will show you that he is on your team and that He wants you to succeed.